"Schizo?"

Ok, so the atmosphere is crying with acid rain as it slyly put my eyes to the defensive. AKA, i didn't woke up for my class this morning when I should, which resulted in missing an "important" class in Philo1.. hmm, I hope I didn't miss anything relevant that could affect my own clinging existance to life.. =)

Well anyway, my day started out just fine, but then this day was a bit different, since I had this odd conversation with my professor in SPCM1. He started to ask a lot of questions, and I, his unwillng victim, fell for his damn communication techniques. Hmm, he must be that good, since he provoked me to say a lot of things inside the depths of my own being.. OR, Im just the gullible idiot who just succumb to any authority that is available around the corner...

The weird part is, he said that I was the type of person who has no constant personality. I mean, I just shift my behavior depending on the situation, and since he has the guts to call it "hypocrisy", I prefer to call it "adaptation". In my opinion, having a constant image is like signing your death sentence: you will be assailed at all sides by your enemies since they have something to grasp; something to attack on. But if you don't have any definite shape, chances are, you'd remain safe.. secure..

But then, he has this bold notion of trying to break my "defense mechanism", and he even tried to contradict my own statements. I told him I hate egocentric bastards like.. you know who, [refer to other blogposts] and then he said that I don't trust people. He is wrong. I don't give my *full* trust to people, since you don't know with people nowadays, they might use your trust against you and then conviniently wipe you off.

Inside me, what I really abhor is the type of people who could see straight right through me. See the real, insane me. God knows what lurks inside, as I have been practicing a little deception since I had total grasp over my consciousness. Well, maybe not little, but the amount is enough to help me tackle with the harsh hugs of life in general.

Then again, he said that I am an interesting piece of specimen for him, and he would try to make a character out of me. The multiple-personality hypocrite, who pretends that he is happy, that everything is ok. Hmm, now that he mentions it, I am beginning to doubt if I AM REALLY HAPPY. Is happiness more than putting a smile on my face?

Now he questions me about my faith, my past. He is interviewing me. I guess I am gullible when it comes to authority... hey, I said that a while ago. I guess its not a mortal sin to repeat things eh?

Screw the rest of this essay, the details of that ungodly conversation could just be buried. But then again, he seems to remind me of my old English Instructor in HS, the one who performed therapy on me. Speaking of therapy, he asked me if I would want to see a therapist and be cured. I think I am deluding myself that my over-all psychological health is in full bloom, but some sinister force is whispering that I am embracing the pits of insanity.

Anyway, it was nice talking to him. He made me realized some things, and I felt a sense of relief when I remember some things that he says. But then again, I kinda hate his advices, since It makes me think that he is interfering with my mind. A part of me says his "invasion" could be blamed to his pure good will, but the other side of me tells that nothing is free. What you receive for free, something would be gone from you.. one way or another..

He is making things complicated.

And now Im finger pointing. Am I making things complicated? Or my other personalities are trying to grab my attention? God, I must be going down. =) Hope not. =P